8 Signs you’re wasting your time trying to get that guy to like you
To want to be loved is one of the most intrinsic, basic human of drives. We are literally wired to want the feeling. Wanting love isn’t the problem.
But sometimes we find ourselves in a painful pattern where we want so deeply for someone to see us, like us, even love us, that without even realizing it, we find ourselves in a pattern of changing our behavior or trying to make ourselves available so that someone (for us heterosexual girlies, a guy) to like us. Speaking. from. Experience.
This pattern is especially common for ladies of the people pleaser variety who are predisposed to care even more than average what other people think of them. It makes sense when you think about it, if we are extra sensitive to the feelings of others, then when we come across someone we like but feel like they may not like us, we kick into high gear trying to “fix” that problem.
But in matters of love, we don’t need everybody to like us. Just the right one. So in today’s post, I want to spend a little time detailing some signals that you might be barking up the wrong tree.
If you’ve been feeling confused, anxious, or stuck in limbo with a guy, read on. Here are the clearest signs you’re wasting your precious time, emotional bandwidth, and mascara trying to win over the wrong one.
How to know if you’re chasing after a guy who doesn’t like you
Let me just say it: if you’re bending over backward to get a guy to like you, he probably isn’t your guy. I say this with zero judgment and all the empathy, because I’ve been there more times than I care to admit. My 20s were full of situationships (four in a row, in fact) and long-shot crushes, all kicking up major efforts to prove I was “worth choosing.”
So this is me, in my 30s now, reaching back to tell you: stop chasing someone who isn’t meeting you halfway. You’re not crazy. You’re not asking for too much. You’re just giving your energy to someone who isn’t emotionally available—or interested enough to show up properly.
But let’s get specific here in signs that this is someone to let go. All of them won’t apply to you but if more than one or two does, as your internet big sister, I might hold your hand and suggest that it’s time to move on to the next!
The 8 signs you’re wasting your time trying to get that guy to like you
You Initiate Most of the Time
You want him to have a chance to see how great you are so it can’t be that bad if you send him a text out of the blue, right? Whether it’s texting first, asking to hang out, keeping the conversation going, sending memes, or checking in on his life, you might be telling yourself “someone has to take the lead” (even though ideally you’d like a guy to pursue you), if you stopped reaching out entirely… would you ever hear from him again?
Not everybody desires a relationship where the man takes the lead and “pursues” the woman. I am one of those people so for me, I had to look real closely at this behavior - if I keep stepping up and moving things along, I’m only going to be spending time with people who don’t take initiative (because a guy who takes initiative is going to feel like I’m taking the fun part away from him). If I really wanted that dynamic in my relationship, I have to sit the hell back and trust that the right person will come to me.
Even if you don’t care as much about being pursued, here’s the real talk: mutual interest shows up in action. If he’s not matching your energy—or at least showing consistent enthusiasm—he’s not that into it. You're not supposed to carry the entire relationship on your back.
He Doesn’t Ask About You
Somehow, every conversation seems to circle back to him. His job, his ex, his workouts, his bad day. And when you do share something? He gives a quick “that’s cool” and pivots back to his own stuff.
It may not be quite that obvious and it’s not that he has to remember every detail about your childhood or be your therapist, but if he rarely shows genuine curiosity about your world, that’s not a good sign. A guy who’s interested wants to know you. He listens. He remembers the little things. He sees you.
He Makes You Feel Insecure
You're constantly wondering what he thinks of you. Does he like you? Did you say too much? Should you have waited longer to reply? When a guy’s feelings are unclear or inconsistent, it messes with your sense of stability—and that's not a reflection of you, it’s a reflection of his level of interest and emotional availability.
If you are anxiously attached or just struggle with anxiety in general, this can be even more exacerbated. It’s important that you’re taking ownership of your own patterns and building in habits to help manage these patterns so your baseline is more manageable.
But that feeling of needing to constantly monitor someone else to try to keep them interested is generally a sign that they’re not that interested. The problem with chasing someone who’s not interested is that you will slowly convince yourself that their evaluation of you is correct and “why would somebody be that interested in me?”
The decline to your self-worth over time isn’t worth it. A man who’s genuinely into you won't leave you feeling like you’re auditioning. In fact, he’ll allow you to show up imperfectly, with messy emotions and not on your best day. You won’t have to second-guess everything because he’ll be clear about his intentions. Confusion is not chemistry.
He’s Not Making Time for You
He’s “super busy.” All the time. Sure, life gets hectic—we all have stuff going on—but the right person makes you a priority in their life.
Let’s be so for real here - if he’s posting Instagram stories from a bar every weekend, he has time to see you. If he’s going golfing, he has time to see you. If he “just hung around and chilled” one night, he has time to see you.
People make time for who they want to see. Simple as that. (My current partner drove 3 hours and another time, flew across state lines to spend time with me.) You shouldn't have to twist yourself into a pretzel trying to fit into the scraps of his schedule because let me tell you, when a guy likes a girl, he doesn’t let silly logistics get in the way.
Your Friends Are Over It
If your bestie sighs every time you bring him up—or straight-up tells you, “You deserve better”—listen. Sometimes, the people closest to us can see what we refuse to see. They notice how much this dynamic is draining you. They hear the same story on repeat: “Maybe this time it’ll be different.”
If it’s one friend who is fresh off a break up, sure you can take it with a grain of salt. But if you feel like your friends are starting to guide you more and more towards other things or noting the problems with his behavior, it’s a really big sign that this person isn’t showing up for you in impressive ways.
Your friends love you, and they’re not emotionally tangled in the situation like you are. When they start throwing up warning signs, don’t brush it off. That outsider perspective is valuable.
You’ve Started Changing Yourself to Please Him
People pleasers alert! I think most of us intellectually understand that we don’t have to agree on everything or like all of the same things to be in a relationship with someone - how many women have partners who love golf when they’ve never swung a club. But there is a tendency, especially for people pleasers, to try to morph into the version of yourself he’ll like the most. This one was me for yearrrrrrrrrs. I would pay attention to his interests and strategically bring up certain stories and omit certain topics that I cared about to not ruffle feathers.
When it gets extreme, you see women stop talking about stuff they love to avoid “seeming too intense,” dressing differently, picking up new hobbies or pretending to like acid rock ;). These are all big flags that you’re not being appreciated for who you actually are and that’s a no go for a long term healthy relationship.
You should never have to shrink to fit someone else’s mold. If you’re editing yourself to be more appealing, you’re not being loved for you—you’re performing. And that’s exhausting.
You Feel Drained After Interacting With Him
After seeing him, you should feel lit up or calmly excited—not low-key spiraling. If you’re leaving time with him feeling confused, empty, or like you need to dissect everything with your friends just to figure out what’s happening, this person is probably triggering some anxiety within you.
If spending time with someone feels more like an emotional rollercoaster than a connection, your body’s trying to tell you something. Real intimacy feels calm, safe, and energizing—not like you’re constantly chasing validation.
You’re More in Love With the Potential
You’re not actually in love with him—you’re in love with who he could be if he healed, opened up, grew up, committed, whatever. You’re banking on him finally waking up and realizing how amazing you are.
But here’s the truth: the version of him you’re in love with doesn’t exist. Even if you guide him and introduce him to the right podcasts or exercise regimens, he won’t be doing it because he wants to from some deeper drive. And you know what habits we never stick with? The ones we didn’t want to start to begin with.
I went on a few dates a couple years back with a guy who was really fun, tall and confident. But over the time together, I realized he drank too much. Like dangerously too much. I knew that I could explain to him how his drinking was a flag for me but that if he didn’t see a problem with his drinking (especially in the case of an addictive substance like alcohol), there was no way he’d actually make changes enough for me to feel comfortable. I had to let him go.
Potential is not a relationship. It’s a story we tell ourselves to justify staying in something that’s not working. Think about it this way - how much would it bug you if you found out that he was dating you for your potential? That he could really see something long term if you changed xyz about yourself. Stings right?
When you date someone’s potential, you’re not loving or even liking them for them and that’s not kind to either of you.
Why We Chase Guys Who Don’t Like Us
Okay, so why do we do this? Why do smart, capable, amazing women find themselves stuck in these cycles with emotionally unavailable men?
Here’s what I’ve come to understand: most of the time, this pattern doesn’t start in adulthood. It starts way earlier—with our families, our self-worth, our earliest experiences of love and attention. If you grew up having to earn love or approval—whether through achievement, people-pleasing, or caretaking—you probably internalized the idea that love is something you work for.
So when a guy is hot and cold, when he’s withholding affection or approval, it hits that old emotional wound: “If I can just be enough, if I just do things right, he’ll finally choose me.” And when he doesn’t, it feels less like rejection and more like failure—like you didn’t try hard enough.
But love isn’t something you have to earn through sacrifice or strategy. Real love—the good, healthy, reciprocal kind—meets you where you are. It doesn’t demand performance. It offers presence.
What Do We Do About It?
If you’re reading this and thinking, “Ugh… this is me,” take a breath. You’re not broken. You’re not hopeless. You’re just learning—and you’re not alone.
Here’s where you can start:
Stop chasing. Literally. Take a step back and give yourself space to see the situation clearly. No more reaching out, waiting by the phone, or checking his socials. Create distance and see what (if anything) comes back.
Reflect on the pattern. Ask yourself: When did I first learn that I had to work hard to feel loved? This might bring up stuff from childhood, past relationships, or internalized beliefs. Be honest and gentle with yourself.
Reinvest your energy. Start pouring that same emotional effort into yourself. Build a life that feels full with or without a guy in it. Spend time with friends, pursue your goals, take care of your body and mind.
Talk to someone. A therapist or coach can help you understand these deeper patterns and start rewriting them. This isn’t about blame—it’s about healing.
Set a new standard. Decide right now that the bare minimum isn’t enough. That your worth isn’t negotiable. That love shouldn’t feel like a test.
Because here’s the truth: when you stop chasing the wrong ones, you make space for the right one. The guy who likes you without the performance. Who’s into you without the games. Who meets your energy, respects your boundaries, and makes you feel secure, not small.
He’s out there. But first—you’ve got to stop wasting your magic on the ones who can’t see it.
